Part – 4
Growing up in a household with a father who was an alcoholic was not easy to do. Keep the house clean. You kids, wash your faces. Eat your food. Don’t be too loud. These were some of the things my mother would encourage us to do or not do because she didn’t want us to agitate my father in any way. There were a few instances where my father passed out in the hallway of our apartment and didn’t quite make it to the restroom in time. I remember watching my mother ever so lovingly care for my father. She would clean him up and put fresh clothing on him and help him to bed.
In the morning, we arose to a hot breakfast on the table and sat down as a family. This whole while as a child I never knew that my fathers nights were filled with him drinking his whole pay check away at the local bar and what he did not drink away, he was pick pocketed from other patrons who knew his frequent habits and days he would visit.
As I watched my mother care for my father the seed was planted that this is what love is….. this is how you are supposed to take care of the people you love. My father needed my mother and she needed to care for him.
So, when I became of age to enter into relationships, I sought out ones where I too could take care of the man. I measured how much he loved me by how he let me take care of him. In this, I lost myself. Lost my identity too, being consumed by his opinion of me. I was willing to give all of my love to them and accepted the fact that I only received a fraction back. In essence, I was settling for less because I did not know my own worth. Me, not knowing my worth caused me to not be in the healthiest of places emotionally because I lacked confidence.
I wore the smile well on the outside.
You all know the one….. it appears that she has it all together but in the inside there is another story to be told. As my lover and I began to discuss our relationships on a different level, fear began to set in. Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? What if I fail? What if he decides down the line that I have more issues than he wants to deal with? Then doubt crept in.
WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Have you ever experienced the fear of not being good enough? How did you address your fears and move beyond it?
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